Ever since I was a kid, I was known as the loud and opinionated one. Any chance I had to voice my thoughts or debate others, I would jump at the opportunity. Even today, I am always ready to write, debate, and organise. That is why, over recent weeks, my friends have raised concerns over my lack of writing, debating, or organising. I was instead silent. It seems that even without me knowing, the weeks, months, and years of transphobic and ‘gender critical’ rhetoric had worn me down. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t want to make my opinions known or voice my concern. I wanted to be alone and maybe even invisible. At least just for a minute.
If you were to ask my friends, family, or even colleagues what they thought of me, I can assume a range of adjectives they may use to describe me. Whatever word they came up with, I can say almost with certainty that ‘confrontational’ would not be one of them. For whatever reason, despite enjoying a debate or sharing my opinion, confronting people has never been a strong suit of mine. I have always seen this as a good thing. However, it seems that in today’s political climate around Trans people, this may be an issue.
With the rise of transphobia, implementation of targeted government policies, and increased negative media coverage, people who had held transphobic and bigoted opinions have become emboldened. This coincides with the deployment of AI bots, the use of alter egos on social media, and the stripping away of bullying policies on large media platforms. Today more than ever, if someone wants to attack someone or confront them for being someone they ‘disagree’ with, they can do so at the click of a button. This, for me, has become something I endure regularly. From anonymous comments on my social media that share hateful messages to articles published about me on ‘gender critical’ sites. This form of abuse has been something I have learnt to handle by muting my accounts or switching off my phone.
In reality, I was embarrassed and upset.
When I worked in bars, I also became accustomed to being accosted by people who wanted to express their ‘views’ to my face. Questions and statements would range from invasive to downright transphobic, and usually they coincided. I would often deal with these comments alone and not bring them up to management as I didn’t want to cause a fuss. In reality, I was embarrassed and upset. I’ve never really known what to do when people confront me like that. I usually freeze and hope they stop. Sometimes I would call a bouncer over and have them removed; other times, regulars would overhear and have them put out. Either way, I hated it. It made me feel small and scared to be myself. Every shift, I watched the bar as I waited for the next person to mock me. The next person to vilify me. The next person to demean me. This was not good for me mentally, nor was it conducive to a happy and healthy life. It was, however, my reality.
Unfortunately, unlike turning off my phone or muting social media, I cannot stop another person from confronting me in the streets, at a bar, or at work. It is this realisation that often terrifies me and causes me to be alert when I leave the house, with my shoulders tensed, eyes peeled, and mind swirling with angst. Being in this mindset is nothing short of exhausting.
The exhaustion that stems from always being alert and tense ate away at me in a way that I didn’t fully comprehend until recently. For the past few months, the Trans community knew that the EHRC guidance would come into full effect on August 5th. For me, I chose to ignore this looming date and get on with my life. This ultimately meant that when August 5th came and went, I entered full alert. I admittedly didn’t leave my house for five days following the introduction of this new guidance for fear of what people may say or do. I stopped exercising, put my hobbies on hold, and sat alone with my anxiety.
It is my passions, whether it be writing, politics, or cooking, that help keep me above water. They allow me to forget about the hate, transphobia, or perception from others. I can become fully engrossed in the activity and find the joy and passion that allow me to be happy. That is why when I suddenly stopped writing, talking about politics, or cooking, my friends and family became concerned. I was suddenly silent and frozen.
For that reason, I now understand that my Trans siblings and I cannot stop speaking out or doing what we love.
It has been over the past few days that I have come to realise that if I make myself small, step away from my passions, and silence my voice, then those who perpetuate this ugly and bigoted transphobic campaign win. Their goal is to silence all Trans people and relegate us to the edges of society. For that reason, I now understand that my Trans siblings and I cannot stop speaking out or doing what we love. Our passions, hobbies, and joys are what make us who we are.
At some point in our lives, as a Trans person, we broke away from what society said was ‘normal ’, and we choose to live unequivocally as our authentic selves. We defied these ‘norms’ in order to be happy and live the rest of our lives with purpose. As we began this new part of our lives, we made friends, found our family, and picked up new hobbies. We learned to deal with the hate, ignore the rhetoric, and continue to strive for better. It is this foundation that we have built that we can never forget.
However, I can now guarantee that I will never stop doing what I love.
With all of this, I can safely say that I will still struggle with fear over potential confrontations. I will have days where I will struggle to go outside or post online. However, I can now guarantee that I will never stop doing what I love. In fact, I will strive to leave my house each day with my head a little higher, shoulders a bit more relaxed, and mind a bit quieter.
It is so important in these times of uncertainty, political toxicity, and fear that we as a community and as a people never break away from what makes us unique. It is our dedication to being ourselves despite being confronted or bullied that sets us apart from others. Our uniqueness and ability to defy the rhetoric is what will allow us to build a fairer and more equal society.
“Do I feel like a man, or a woman? And the answer is: I feel happy.”
Abigail Thorn