My Fourth Birthday
The complicated journey to celebrating my life.
Over the past five or so years, I have been in a constant state of survival. I was not living in a way that was conducive to a happy life. Instead, I treated each day like it could be my last. I walked the streets, petrified of what people would say to me. I restricted myself mentally and turned quite introverted. This year, I’ve noticed a shift. A change in my mental understanding of my own life. For the first time in years, I want to be alive. In fact, I want to live. This all comes at a time when I had the chance to mark my fourth birthday of being out as my authentic self. Four years of no longer hiding or pretending.
Coming to terms with the fact that I was a trans woman, then taking the step to publicly live according to my gender, came at a time when my mental health was already at its lowest levels. Anxiety and depression ran my life. My desire to be alive was almost non-existent. But, despite this, I came out anyway. First, to my friends and family. Then, eventually, living full-time as me, Caitlin. I look back on these moments no longer with deep-seated sadness, but instead as a sign that I clearly wanted to be alive. I just needed to live in a different way.
‘‘Mental health is still a struggle. My transition still has its lows. But, for the first time in a long time, I acknowledge that I have gotten better. Every year has marked an improvement in my life.’’
Every year that has passed has been difficult in its own right. From transitioning to learning how to cope with poor mental health, I was on a journey. In fact, I am still on that journey. Mental health is still a struggle. My transition still has its lows. But, for the first time in a long time, I acknowledge that I have gotten better. Every year has marked an improvement in my life. All the negative events. All my low moments. They have served as catalysts for me to grow and develop into the young woman I am today.
Understanding this was no easy task. It has taken countless hours of therapy, being open and honest with friends and family, and coming to terms with my own boundaries and limits. Moments of crying, panic attacks and feeling like there was no point were common. The past few years have been the hardest and most complicated of my life. But they have allowed me to feel something I never thought was possible. I not only want to live, but I also love being alive. Today, I take joy in the connections I make with other people, I celebrate events that have developed me, and I understand that no matter how dark it gets, I will get through it.
All of this allowed me to recognise that this year was quite an important year for me. March 14th, 2026, marked four years since I started publicly identifying as a woman. Now, in previous years, I did not mark dates like this. I chose to ignore them as best I could. But this year I decided differently. I called my friends from London to Belfast, Edinburgh to Glasgow and got them all together for a weekend. A weekend where we all celebrated the day that Caitlin was introduced to the world.
Now, unfortunately, this comes when ‘gender critical’ (transphobic) rhetoric has reached a high throughout the UK. From lawsuits to policy to straight-up transphobic dog whistles. The past number of years have not been easy for the trans community, and it doesn’t appear this will change anytime soon. So how on earth am I happy?
‘‘I now know that no matter what someone’s ‘opinion’ is on my identity, no matter what people say to me, nor the abuse I receive, I will never stop walking this planet as myself.’’
The truth is that my newfound desire to be alive has raised a shield around me that says quite loudly, no one can stop me. I now know that no matter what someone’s ‘opinion’ is on my identity, no matter what people say to me, nor the abuse I receive, I will never stop walking this planet as myself. No one will ever be able to silence me. Not now. Not ever. I’ve suffered too much and hated myself for too long to let someone else tell me how to live.
Learning that only I can decide how I want to live was a journey that was often intertwined with my mental health struggles. Understanding that no one has the right to dictate how I present, identify, or live was something that altered my brain chemistry. It was like a weight that had been glued to my chest for more than a decade had finally been removed. Not only can I breathe again, but I can now run, jump and play. I can move around the world confidently.
Life is never as simple as Hollywood or social media would like to make it out to be. Sometimes we are thrown curveballs that knock us on our ass, and it is our job with the support of friends and family to get back up again. Poor mental health is one of those things that can knock us down for an incredibly long period of time. It can push us down every time we attempt to stand back up. But, little by little, every time we try to stand, we make it farther and eventually, before we know it, we are standing tall. Showing the world that not only did we overcome a period of despair and destitution, but that we showed ourselves that we were capable.
Looking back on the past five or so years, I just want to tell my younger self that it will get better. That one day soon you will want to live, and you will be genuinely happy. Marking my fourth birthday was a small step to remind myself that life is worth it. A celebration of life. A life worth living. A life I can now find joy in.
‘‘I am here not because I have to be, but because I want to be.’’
I know that life is not smooth sailing from here. I still suffer from depression and anxiety. I am still a trans woman in an increasingly hostile society. But I will work to remember that I am who I am, no matter how I feel or how I am treated. I am here not because I have to be, but because I want to be.